october 25th

I went some amount of distance at some pace.
couldnt really tell you how far.

my sacred apartment complex had towed my van dispite several messages requesting otherwise.

so I was really just too pissed to work hard.

I hate what life is here.

I hate what they make life here.

I hate living here.

I hate it.

and I dont regret using the word hate.
at all.

I have a million thoughts running through my own head right now about all this.
I would imagine so do you.
Maybe your thoughts are right. "Its kind of your fault Jiggs." "You really should have moved the van Jiggs, I dont know why you didn't" "Hey Jiggs, if this kind of thing happens when you move into a house how are you going to have money to pay for it?" "How much is THAT going to cost you Jiggs? Can you afford to get it out of hock?"

nothing youre thinking is as all-encompassing as all that I've been thinking.

Where did they take it? Did they tow it to Newberry or something stupid and hateful like that? Is it going to cost more than even the value of that stupid van? Part of me just wants to throw the keys at the guy and say..HERE you can TAKE IT.. You can have the peice of shit..and I'm not going to tell you how to figure it out.
Its not registered to my name yet anyway.

But I would hate to screw the guy who sold it to me that way. If I could do it in such a way as to not screw that guy...I would consider it.

I could be wrong about how much I think its going to take. Maybe its only 50$. And a headache.

it still doesnt change the fact that I hate this place even more this morning than I did last night.
Even more.

It makes me want to leave even sooner.
and not repaint the walls.
just let them have the deposits
screw you guys.
I dont care.

you can have your apartment filled with screaming illegal mexicans, and thug dope peddlers.
I don't care.

another part of me is much more worried.
worried that I will be forced to pay whatever the towing company charges, and its more than the van is worth.
and i'm stuck.
and there goes the $500 the bank asked for to give me a mortgage and I'm stuck here for a long long long time.

which is why I say I hate my life today.
I hate it.

I hate being stuck and feeling at the mercy of the rest of the planet.
I'm at the mercy of my boss nine hours out of the day.
I'm at the mercy of the customer everytime I answer the phone.
I'm at the mercy of my broken cars as I drive to and from.
I'm at the mercy of my landlord to live everyday.
I'm at the mercy of creditors, and lenders to have any kind of physical substance.

life makes those hills seem like nothing.
as life seems to be composed of fighting a constant unrelentless uphill climb.
no downhills for a break.
no lower gears to make it easier.
no tailwind.

just more hill.
Feel like you've crested and see even more.

I don't know how to play this game.
i feel like I've not been given any of the appropriate tools.

and I feel like I'm at the mercy of everyone else who's got them. And they're holding them in front of me, telling me that all I need to do is go get this tool.
"Just go get it Jiggs! This is the thing you need."
I feel like everything is more expensive for me.
Everything is more difficult for me.
everything is more impossible for me.

at least today.

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