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I'm not sure what is going on in my head, but i'm very uninspired lately. i feel like there is so much more I should be doing, but its like i'm watching life from through a window. like i have no real impact on the story, i just sit and watch it unfold and hope the story starts getting adventurous. I'm chosing to call it uninspired because that still leaves the door open for me to have some kind of impact. Like if i could just muster up some passion for something I would be able to find some great purpose and meaning in what I'm doing.
I'm thinking about all the kids going back to school and the college students heading off for a new year, and I'm finding that I'm jealous. My life doesnt cycle like that anymore. There is no rise and fall with the seasons. There is no connection to the calendar. Everyday bleeds by in the same numbing pattern. My clothes barely even change with seasons anymore. everyday finds itself looking exactly like the last: wake up late, rush around, urge the dog to poop faster, get to work just in time, run the morning meeting, catch up on emails, take a break, run to another meeting, goto lunch, eat something cheap, rush back to work, emails, customer call backs, run a report, go home. Watch some reruns, agonize over the late hour, goto bed.
This shouldn't be life. Is it? Is 30 the age where you grow and learn to accept the fact that this is what it is? Or is the begging adventure in my heart part of God calling me to something bigger and better. My heart pounds when I think of life becoming a great adventure. When I think that the verses about God knowing the plans he has for me are about some perfectly carved path that fits my quirks and talents and gives me this incredibly fulfilling sense of purpose and impact. Now, granted, the verse doesnt say that. It just says his plans are just about us prospering. So I dont know if the big adventurous life is in the plan at all.
I think back to the firey excited side of myself from earlier in life. High school, college, post college, and I remember the wit and the joking and the great times that just seemed to happen. Going for coffee was in itself a great adventure. I could rope an entire room into frenzied laughter over an old story of a skiing trip or my crazy uncle. I remember watching everyone's eyes glaze pensive as I'd make a stirring commentary. Now I sit like a blob of cold overcooked beans lost in thoughts that no one else gets to hear. The quiet nature inside of me has taken the wheel and doesn't steer me where I want to go anymore.
How did this happen?
no...that doesnt matter, the better question is...How do I get out?!
I can feel the breath of God down my back through the day sometimes. like he's right behind me, and he's smiling and breathing that hard fast puff of air from his nose that is partly a laugh and partly a grin that says he knows something I don't. He's looking over my shoulder and sees what I cannot. He sees unfolding ahead of me the things I'm looking for. I translate those images into some great and wild adventure, but maybe its just future contentment. Maybe its just me playing this hand and bluffing to raise the stakes a little. Maybe its just me learning how to invest the little time I'm given into something more beautiful here.
Then again, maybe he shows up in that van...and wisks me away from the blur of this day to day.
I'm thinking about all the kids going back to school and the college students heading off for a new year, and I'm finding that I'm jealous. My life doesnt cycle like that anymore. There is no rise and fall with the seasons. There is no connection to the calendar. Everyday bleeds by in the same numbing pattern. My clothes barely even change with seasons anymore. everyday finds itself looking exactly like the last: wake up late, rush around, urge the dog to poop faster, get to work just in time, run the morning meeting, catch up on emails, take a break, run to another meeting, goto lunch, eat something cheap, rush back to work, emails, customer call backs, run a report, go home. Watch some reruns, agonize over the late hour, goto bed.
This shouldn't be life. Is it? Is 30 the age where you grow and learn to accept the fact that this is what it is? Or is the begging adventure in my heart part of God calling me to something bigger and better. My heart pounds when I think of life becoming a great adventure. When I think that the verses about God knowing the plans he has for me are about some perfectly carved path that fits my quirks and talents and gives me this incredibly fulfilling sense of purpose and impact. Now, granted, the verse doesnt say that. It just says his plans are just about us prospering. So I dont know if the big adventurous life is in the plan at all.
I think back to the firey excited side of myself from earlier in life. High school, college, post college, and I remember the wit and the joking and the great times that just seemed to happen. Going for coffee was in itself a great adventure. I could rope an entire room into frenzied laughter over an old story of a skiing trip or my crazy uncle. I remember watching everyone's eyes glaze pensive as I'd make a stirring commentary. Now I sit like a blob of cold overcooked beans lost in thoughts that no one else gets to hear. The quiet nature inside of me has taken the wheel and doesn't steer me where I want to go anymore.
How did this happen?
no...that doesnt matter, the better question is...How do I get out?!
I can feel the breath of God down my back through the day sometimes. like he's right behind me, and he's smiling and breathing that hard fast puff of air from his nose that is partly a laugh and partly a grin that says he knows something I don't. He's looking over my shoulder and sees what I cannot. He sees unfolding ahead of me the things I'm looking for. I translate those images into some great and wild adventure, but maybe its just future contentment. Maybe its just me playing this hand and bluffing to raise the stakes a little. Maybe its just me learning how to invest the little time I'm given into something more beautiful here.
Then again, maybe he shows up in that van...and wisks me away from the blur of this day to day.
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