I just might be crazy
well...here we go again...
here comes jiggs with another hair-brained idea on how to waste all of her money on something...
but I'm sorry...this is where I come to vent and sometimes venting means saying things that are completely irrational...and sometimes irrational just means tyipcal to me.
but 30 is approaching, and 30 makes you desperate...
for some reason, I can't get half-ironman out of my head.
DONT GET ME WRONG...
its not that I dont understand how friggen hard that is...
and its not that I want to demean it by saying that in my current state I could even dream of accomplishing such a feat...but...
i can't get it out of my head.
i really really want to do one.
i woudl really like for it to be before I'm 30...
wouldn't that be so poetic?
oh gees...I can hear myself being pathetic and typical...
but here's the poetry of it.
i'm 28.8 now...
roughly.
30 is not old by any means these days.
but it is a monumental day...
30 used to be when you had to start coloring your hair, buy yourself an Accord, and start regularly checking your 401k to be sure you were on track for retirement. Its the definitive "grow up" age. Right? I think so...
In preparation for such a time...maybe its time i really started trying to grow up. I dont think I've officially begun the project of doing so...but what is more adult than regimented, disciplined, consistancy...And what more does an ironman require.
Whining and hitting the snooze button 4 or 5 times before debating about one's need for a shower, and then running out the door in a rush only to get a headache from the honey-bun and Mt Dew breakfast, praying theres enough money in savings to buy lunch is a very childish wasy to live. Its very 20-something..
Waking up at 5 to get in a quick 4 mile run before sitting in front of your daily planner while sipping a cup of decaf is pretty adult.
And though I'll probably never reach THAT point..(good grief, I mean, decaf? whats the point!) Maybe it is time to seriously and whole-heartedly work at discipline.
I think my trouble has always been that I just sort of scoff at discipline when I try to get some...like...Cummon jigs, its JUST discipline!! Just wake up and do it!
maybe I need more of the fear...
the fear of saggy arms, high blood pressure and morbid obesity(all of which I'm heading for each day)..
and when I think of how I want to be in my 30s...its truly nothing like I've been here in my late 20s. Its more like the cool, active, healthy, successful, social, awesome, single woman, owning her own life and decisions, and acutally making the best choices because the only thing in her way is her, and she's whipped her own ass...because she's super strong and awesome.
that was a weird definition.
haha.
but i feel like you understand what I'm saying. Mostly because the readers of my blog, though they rarely comment, are still very insightful.
Part of me wants to completely abandon athleticism...because I constantly let myself down with it...I get all intense and jackrabbity, and then flip out, forget to train and run off saying....Geesh...wasted some more registration money...crap.
Part of me knows that in the dawn of this new Idea, there is the haunting feeling of past "quittings" that makes me want to say to myself...UM> JIGGS>>>JUST THINK ABOUT THIS ONE FOR A WHILE!! Eventually you'll give up and wont' have wasted any time, money, energy or heart on this crap"
part of me wants to quit before I commit this time, thus saving myself the embarrassment of once again having to make up a really good excuse as to why i can't do something.
part of me wants that.
Part of me though, sees the 30 something I really would like to be and knows that she can't happen if i dont start working on her now.
Part of me thinks, you know what? you can't finish if you don't start. And the only way to start is to commit.
Part of me wonders if maybe this opportunity isn't the one that opens the door to the rest of life ahead of me.
Part of me thinks, maybe I can actually do it this time.
Whats it all about though? This commitment thing?
Is it about making that image the most important thing to me? Respecting myself enough to give myself the chance at being that thing? Is it about understanding the fleetingness of time? Do you have to be 30 before you realize that life does NOT wait for you to get in the mood?
Is committment about wanting something later, more than you want anything else now?
Or is it about writing out the plan...then closing my eyes and doing it?
I really loved life from 15 to 25. That was a good decade. I did a lot of things that were pretty cool. But some how 25 to present has left me wondering about my own personal integrity...not am I honest...but am I a commitable person? Can I even really do what I say I'll do? I don't know today that I really can...Sure, I can start with the best of them...and I LOVE to finish..but if the distance between starting and finishing is to long, boring and grey...I fail.
1.2 miles swimming, 56 miles biking, 13.1 miles running.
Thats a long time from start to finish.
Theres a lot of middle in there.
Its the middle that I need to learn to overcome.
isn't 30 technically where the middle of my life begins? Is this officially the beginning of the middle?
Wow...I just realized its 1014 and I forgot to eat dinner...yet again, the 20-something in me taking over..
now for those of you reading, feeling some sense of concern That the awesomeness of Jiggs will disappear....
DON'T BE ALARMED...
I'm not going to buy a Camry, talk about "the kids" and start dying my hair (well I might die the hair, but only funky fun colors) I'm not pigeon-holing myself into being old. (no offense to the camry drivers)
For those of you who doubt the desire, because you've seen the desire flare up many times prior to this with no result:
fair enough.
I can understand your doubting. I doubt me too. Youre not alone. And screw you, I've not committed to anything yet..I'm still pondering.
For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat anxiously awaiting my decision...
BACK OFF...it ain't about entertaining you..its about ME ME ME...
i dont know guys.
I'm really torn.
30 is a harsh number for me for some reason.
I feel like I have to change before I get there.
not totally, mind you...
I just dont want to be dealing with the same issues at 30, that I have been dealing with in my 20s. It would be nice to be able to move past them.
So...when you think of me...
think of these two facts...
ONE, I have another half marathon rapidly approaching (before I even turn 29) that I need to get busy training for..
and TWO: not only is change a-comin...but its really GOT to... I really might just want to do this.
1.2 miles swimming. 56 miles biking. 13.1 miles running.
i've already swam a mile. and already done two half marathons...(by then three or four)...I've never gone further than 20 miles on a bike and NEVER done these things together at all...haha.
but maybe...juuuuust maybe, its possible.
maybe.
here comes jiggs with another hair-brained idea on how to waste all of her money on something...
but I'm sorry...this is where I come to vent and sometimes venting means saying things that are completely irrational...and sometimes irrational just means tyipcal to me.
but 30 is approaching, and 30 makes you desperate...
for some reason, I can't get half-ironman out of my head.
DONT GET ME WRONG...
its not that I dont understand how friggen hard that is...
and its not that I want to demean it by saying that in my current state I could even dream of accomplishing such a feat...but...
i can't get it out of my head.
i really really want to do one.
i woudl really like for it to be before I'm 30...
wouldn't that be so poetic?
oh gees...I can hear myself being pathetic and typical...
but here's the poetry of it.
i'm 28.8 now...
roughly.
30 is not old by any means these days.
but it is a monumental day...
30 used to be when you had to start coloring your hair, buy yourself an Accord, and start regularly checking your 401k to be sure you were on track for retirement. Its the definitive "grow up" age. Right? I think so...
In preparation for such a time...maybe its time i really started trying to grow up. I dont think I've officially begun the project of doing so...but what is more adult than regimented, disciplined, consistancy...And what more does an ironman require.
Whining and hitting the snooze button 4 or 5 times before debating about one's need for a shower, and then running out the door in a rush only to get a headache from the honey-bun and Mt Dew breakfast, praying theres enough money in savings to buy lunch is a very childish wasy to live. Its very 20-something..
Waking up at 5 to get in a quick 4 mile run before sitting in front of your daily planner while sipping a cup of decaf is pretty adult.
And though I'll probably never reach THAT point..(good grief, I mean, decaf? whats the point!) Maybe it is time to seriously and whole-heartedly work at discipline.
I think my trouble has always been that I just sort of scoff at discipline when I try to get some...like...Cummon jigs, its JUST discipline!! Just wake up and do it!
maybe I need more of the fear...
the fear of saggy arms, high blood pressure and morbid obesity(all of which I'm heading for each day)..
and when I think of how I want to be in my 30s...its truly nothing like I've been here in my late 20s. Its more like the cool, active, healthy, successful, social, awesome, single woman, owning her own life and decisions, and acutally making the best choices because the only thing in her way is her, and she's whipped her own ass...because she's super strong and awesome.
that was a weird definition.
haha.
but i feel like you understand what I'm saying. Mostly because the readers of my blog, though they rarely comment, are still very insightful.
Part of me wants to completely abandon athleticism...because I constantly let myself down with it...I get all intense and jackrabbity, and then flip out, forget to train and run off saying....Geesh...wasted some more registration money...crap.
Part of me knows that in the dawn of this new Idea, there is the haunting feeling of past "quittings" that makes me want to say to myself...UM> JIGGS>>>JUST THINK ABOUT THIS ONE FOR A WHILE!! Eventually you'll give up and wont' have wasted any time, money, energy or heart on this crap"
part of me wants to quit before I commit this time, thus saving myself the embarrassment of once again having to make up a really good excuse as to why i can't do something.
part of me wants that.
Part of me though, sees the 30 something I really would like to be and knows that she can't happen if i dont start working on her now.
Part of me thinks, you know what? you can't finish if you don't start. And the only way to start is to commit.
Part of me wonders if maybe this opportunity isn't the one that opens the door to the rest of life ahead of me.
Part of me thinks, maybe I can actually do it this time.
Whats it all about though? This commitment thing?
Is it about making that image the most important thing to me? Respecting myself enough to give myself the chance at being that thing? Is it about understanding the fleetingness of time? Do you have to be 30 before you realize that life does NOT wait for you to get in the mood?
Is committment about wanting something later, more than you want anything else now?
Or is it about writing out the plan...then closing my eyes and doing it?
I really loved life from 15 to 25. That was a good decade. I did a lot of things that were pretty cool. But some how 25 to present has left me wondering about my own personal integrity...not am I honest...but am I a commitable person? Can I even really do what I say I'll do? I don't know today that I really can...Sure, I can start with the best of them...and I LOVE to finish..but if the distance between starting and finishing is to long, boring and grey...I fail.
1.2 miles swimming, 56 miles biking, 13.1 miles running.
Thats a long time from start to finish.
Theres a lot of middle in there.
Its the middle that I need to learn to overcome.
isn't 30 technically where the middle of my life begins? Is this officially the beginning of the middle?
Wow...I just realized its 1014 and I forgot to eat dinner...yet again, the 20-something in me taking over..
now for those of you reading, feeling some sense of concern That the awesomeness of Jiggs will disappear....
DON'T BE ALARMED...
I'm not going to buy a Camry, talk about "the kids" and start dying my hair (well I might die the hair, but only funky fun colors) I'm not pigeon-holing myself into being old. (no offense to the camry drivers)
For those of you who doubt the desire, because you've seen the desire flare up many times prior to this with no result:
fair enough.
I can understand your doubting. I doubt me too. Youre not alone. And screw you, I've not committed to anything yet..I'm still pondering.
For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat anxiously awaiting my decision...
BACK OFF...it ain't about entertaining you..its about ME ME ME...
i dont know guys.
I'm really torn.
30 is a harsh number for me for some reason.
I feel like I have to change before I get there.
not totally, mind you...
I just dont want to be dealing with the same issues at 30, that I have been dealing with in my 20s. It would be nice to be able to move past them.
So...when you think of me...
think of these two facts...
ONE, I have another half marathon rapidly approaching (before I even turn 29) that I need to get busy training for..
and TWO: not only is change a-comin...but its really GOT to... I really might just want to do this.
1.2 miles swimming. 56 miles biking. 13.1 miles running.
i've already swam a mile. and already done two half marathons...(by then three or four)...I've never gone further than 20 miles on a bike and NEVER done these things together at all...haha.
but maybe...juuuuust maybe, its possible.
maybe.
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