Chapter 9

The first thing I thought when I saw the Chicago sky-line was "This could be my next chapter." Then, compulsively I tried to count chapters to know which one this would actually be..







Chapter 1: Maryland 0-5
Chapter 2: Childhood in Spartanburg 5-11
Chapter 3: Moving around: 11-15
Chapter 4: Chesnee: 15-17
Chapter 5: Who here? SWU here: 17-21
Chapter 6: Croatia: 21-23
Chapter 7: Columbia: 23-28
Chapter 8: Charlotte: 28-33
Chapter 9: ???

Then the plane landed.

What happened from that moment, was a five day blur. I'm actually struggling about how to communicate it all. Do I talk about the things I did? the places I went? the sights I saw or the people I met? maybe just the inner thoughts that I had...maybe the little divine moments that God drizzled in there...maybe the funny things that happened.

If I'm totally honest, there is a part of me that doesn't want to share any of it with you. Because in the back of my mind, I don't see it as just a fun weekend trip. Call me crazy, but i saw it more like a perfectly written love letter that took God 33 years to write. Or maybe it took me 33 years to be mature enough to read. The point is, it feels like it cheapens it to share every detail of every story or a picture of every face. So here are some bullet points...

Arrived
Had fancy omelet
Had a phone interview with a training consultant company
Smiled a lot about the interview with the training consultant company
Went to a conference to hear Sher talk about things that make me feel awkward
Talked about things that made me feel awkward
Communion in a park
Got a tummy ache from amazing perogies...ravarogies, actually
Saw real chicago improv
Peed a little in my pants from laughing
Laughed harder at the irony of the day
Recited the girl scout motto
Had coffee with smart people
Listened to more smart people preach
Ate Chickfila
Watched baseball
Ate cupcakes
Saw some fancy trannies
Went to a warm church
Broke bread with very cool friends
Studied God's word with men from the uptown neighborhood
Met a beautiful woman that had me crying in less than 5 minutes
Went for a walk in the neighborhood.
Paid a pet deposit on an apartment
Saw a movie with some cool new friends
Drank smoothies and talked about Jesus
witnessed a community say goodbye to their friend


So fast forward to the last night...cool people were having cool conversations in the living room late at night, something that I ADORE being a part of when it happens...and I was falling asleep in the midst of them. I was falling asleep because I was both exhausted and at peace. I hadn't had real deep peace for a few weeks. When everyone finally started moving to bed, Sher asked me how I felt after the weekend we just had. I said something weird and trite. Something that wanted to be poetic, but was really just tired.

So in an effort to communicate something with you, here's the answer to the question "How do you feel after this weekend?"

I feel a lot of things.

I feel small. Like I'm broken and weak and too stupid to ever do a fraction of what my mind dreams I could. Like I'm lost in a current whose direction is a mystery to me. Like I'm completely insignificant.

I feel big. Like my heart grew 5 sizes and the God of the universe is concerned with the smallest details of my life. Like He and I and we could do anything.

I feel ignorant. I don't know the first thing about real compassion; about real servanthood; about real community; about real poverty; about substance addiction; about government assistance.. I only lived under the poverty line myself for about a year. I don't know much about anything I'm about to do.

I feel wise. There are parts of my life that have been left hidden and deemed inconsequential, that have suddenly come into their season and blossomed..things that I've gone through or carried with me that up until now have seemed meaningless...and it turns out they were just making me wiser.

I feel helpless. There are so many things that need to happen that not I or anyone else involved in this ministry can make happen. I'm only going into something with my hands open and extended, trusting God to do what he does. Its not scary, but it is contrary to everything I've been building in myself most of my life.

I feel empowered. God has been proving over and over and over and over that making a decision to walk away from my life as it is and seek to learn what it means to be in community, in need, in relationship.. is the right thing to do. From conversations, to provision, to job opportunities, support from people I barely know, support from people I felt would be completely opposed, muffling the mouths of people who would disagree, engaging my heart, captivating my attention, even using what I am leaving behind to fill needs of people around me...It's all evident and obvious. One tiny step of obedience opens up another and another until I'm lost in a whirlwind of seemingly irrational choices that no one on Earth could stop me from making. My doubt has been replaced with His confidence. My fear is being replaced with expectancy. My cynicism is being replaced by compassion. My striving is being replaced with contentment. He is literally revolutionizing my life.



So yes. Over the next few weeks, I'll be preparing to move. I'll save exactly what that means for another blog post. :)