Ten Years
Ten years I've been writing this dang blog. 50,000+ times someone has read it. I've said a lot of things, and some I would like to delete. I keep them posted, almost out of a solidarity with the presidential nominees. We have all said ridiculous things that we would like to take back and we have all changed our opinions drastically as we move through life. Some of the things I blogged about were to secretly antagonize people who were doing things that upset me. Lame. I've since learned different ways to get over other people and their behavior. Mostly by leaving them and walking away from madness. Other times by cleaning my closet and being honest about what bothers me. It's definitely been the better path. I think about those old posts a lot, because I was very boldly and confidently talking about what I knew I knew. I loved the idea that I was reimagining an old truth in some new contemporary way that made me not only look smart, but super, duper spiritual. I was a walking balloon of insecurity, inflated to the limit with self-righteousness.
Then I popped.
This is my fourth decade on earth. I think maybe 0-10 will always remain the decade of the most growth and change. Seriously, I grew about five feet and learned to do things like walk and talk. This decade so far, however, has likely been the second most transformational. I don't even like using the word transform, or create or discover. It's not been like that. It's more like...remembering.
Does that make any sense to you? Its like in the back of my head, there is this haunting image of what I am, and when I fail to meet the expectations of that image, or live incongruently with that image, I feel like...well like a post I made once that facebook recently reminded me of "my life feels like an ill-fitting pair of pants."
Until a few years ago, I walked around in my life, in my personhood, in my daily routine...Like a person wearing an ill-fitting pair of pants. I don't even mean too tight...I mean like one leg is drastically disproportionate. The waistband is grossly wider than the seat. The pockets are just slightly too shallow, and the cuffs hit right above your ankle. I felt uncomfortable, I felt unhappy, and I felt like a fraud.
I was a free-spirited, bare-footed, dirt-covered, hippie dippie kid working in corporate America trying to wear suits and being constantly bludgeoned somehow by someone trying their best to help me fit in better. In some form or fashion, nearly everyday I was told to dress nicer, be meaner, think tougher, do more or be more organized. I don't blame the people, they were trying to help...I blame myself for forgetting who I was. I didn't care about that garbage or believe in it.
No More.
I remember now. I remember how much I like being covered in dirt. I remember how much I love meeting and accepting new people who are vastly different from me without telling them they're wrong. I remember how much I like playing games and singing songs. I remember how much I love liking myself regardless of what other people think. I remember how much I like weird ass music with chimes and singing bowls. It is from this place...from the "me" place that life now flows.
The results are stunning. In some cases maybe shocking. In all cases they are like tiny little ships chartering peace to my heart. I have a deep and resounding contentment.
Then I popped.
This is my fourth decade on earth. I think maybe 0-10 will always remain the decade of the most growth and change. Seriously, I grew about five feet and learned to do things like walk and talk. This decade so far, however, has likely been the second most transformational. I don't even like using the word transform, or create or discover. It's not been like that. It's more like...remembering.
Does that make any sense to you? Its like in the back of my head, there is this haunting image of what I am, and when I fail to meet the expectations of that image, or live incongruently with that image, I feel like...well like a post I made once that facebook recently reminded me of "my life feels like an ill-fitting pair of pants."
Until a few years ago, I walked around in my life, in my personhood, in my daily routine...Like a person wearing an ill-fitting pair of pants. I don't even mean too tight...I mean like one leg is drastically disproportionate. The waistband is grossly wider than the seat. The pockets are just slightly too shallow, and the cuffs hit right above your ankle. I felt uncomfortable, I felt unhappy, and I felt like a fraud.
I was a free-spirited, bare-footed, dirt-covered, hippie dippie kid working in corporate America trying to wear suits and being constantly bludgeoned somehow by someone trying their best to help me fit in better. In some form or fashion, nearly everyday I was told to dress nicer, be meaner, think tougher, do more or be more organized. I don't blame the people, they were trying to help...I blame myself for forgetting who I was. I didn't care about that garbage or believe in it.
No More.
I remember now. I remember how much I like being covered in dirt. I remember how much I love meeting and accepting new people who are vastly different from me without telling them they're wrong. I remember how much I like playing games and singing songs. I remember how much I love liking myself regardless of what other people think. I remember how much I like weird ass music with chimes and singing bowls. It is from this place...from the "me" place that life now flows.
The results are stunning. In some cases maybe shocking. In all cases they are like tiny little ships chartering peace to my heart. I have a deep and resounding contentment.
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