Not the faith I signed up for.
This blog post isn't going to go anywhere, I can already tell. When I woke up this morning I had a sour stomach...partially from the chicken pot pie I had last night and partially from this election.
that's not what this is about though.
I don't even know what it's about anymore. It used to be clear cut. It used to make sense. When I chose to become a Christian in 1993, I thought, YES! This is it! This is what I'm looking for!! Love others! Heal the broken! Feed the hungry! Resent the Pharisee! Freedom from law so I can concern myself with LOVE! Life is about how you treat the least of these! Life is about love! The fruits of the spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, faithfulness and Self Control! Hallelujah!
I loved what I heard. I loved how being a part of a loving community made me feel. I loved feeling like God loved me, as I was.
But somewhere, I don't know where...shit got real ugly. It got ugly inside the church. I felt less and less love...and more and more of a subversive coercion to conform to a very narrow picture of what a good Christian woman is. If its not in these 30 verses of proverbs its inappropriate. The way I wanted to be was wrong, and frowned upon, whispered about. When I followed my heart I was started to be condemned left and right. People would cut their eyes at me and scowl. People would be condescending and critical. Not just a few people...most of them. It was not for freedom that Christ had set us free...It was so we could create a whole new standard of cultural norms and claim they were the path to holiness.
Over the last year, it got way uglier. People I used to respect...people I was in FCA and youth group with..People I sang on worship teams with...People I went on mission trips with and prayed with at church camp... They got really mean. They got really angry. They started celebrating suffering. They lost their self control and their gentleness and exchanged it for harshness and more and more judgment. They were siding with the KKK and making excuses for really coarse jokes, and very very inappropriate pussy grabbing behaviors. No one is perfect! They said. This made me bitter of course, because I was made to feel like I was supposed to try and be. And this guy, because he was going to protect babies rights didn't have to be. He was ok as he was. Everything I loved about the modern evangelical church seemed dead. I couldn't get a pulse. Love had left.
Maybe it was long dead before I got here. Maybe it was on its way out. Maybe it died in the 80s when they started making Christian pop music.
Now its been reduced to a political lean. A lean away from most of the least of these. Sure, unborn babies are being fought for...from a platform for most. Some are in the trenches helping girls see options and adopting kids from the system...but mostly abortion is a battle for the supreme court, right?
I'm being harsh, right? I'm hurting some of your feelings, huh? I know. I know there are still people a part of the evangelical movement that I love and respect, who do work hard for others. Who don't just make Jesus into a platform from which to see the world. They care about people. But this is a new world. A world in which we hate political correctness. We say what the hell we want and them soft-hearted liberal bleeding hearts can cry all they want.
Does no one see the irony that liberals are considered to be too soft-hearted and conservatives are where the Christians live?
Am I the only one confounded by this?
Other things I am now confounded by...
Why does your religion have to be all over everything in the government? Is your faith less if God isn't on the money? Will the United states crumble if we don't collectively trust in God? Is God concerned with the greatness of America? Did we not leave England to pursue freedom from a religious government? Am I not a Christian if I think sick moms should be allowed to terminate pregnancies? Am I not a Christian if I think it doesn't impact your marriage in the slightest for two women to get married? Am I not a Christian if I think telling a kid its ok to be gay is better than that kid killing themselves? Why is it ok for black kids to have to fend for themselves even though they have started way further behind than white kids? If God is in control and keeps you under his wings, then why do you need semi-automatic rifles to protect you? How is it not storing up treasures on earth where rust and moth destroy to have a fully funded 401k? If God is loving then why isn't Christ enough to redeem people from sin? Why must they also conform to Christian social norms?
I don't care about Donald Trump. He cannot knock me off the path of my own destiny. He's a small man with a big personality disorder. And I live on a farm. I can sustain myself if I really wanted to.
If I'm honest, I've always wondered these things. Maybe you have too. I brushed aside my concern because in the exchange I got a big dose of community. But the community is not inclusive. My friends stand on the outside. And I stand with them.
Call me what you want. Backslider, Heathen, wordly, lost. But two autumns ago, I sat on the ground outside, I looked up at the sky, past the stars and I told God I was tired. I was tired of things not adding up. I was tired of feeling like he was far away, and on the other side of a chasm I had to cross with my own obedience. I was tired of retiring my common sense and deep love for the uniqueness of others in favor of exclusive community. I was done with religion. I wanted to meet him. I invited him to show himself to me in whatever form that took. Maybe I'm crazy and going to hell for thinking so, but I believe he showed up. He showed up in colors and rocks and rainbows and the broken hearts of transgendered people. Sure Jiggs...Sure that was God. In a tranny. Right. How do I know that it was him?
Why by his fruits, of course. The further I went down the path I am on, the deeper and wider grew my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Against such things there is no law.
I might no longer be in a formal fellowship with the evangelical church. But I'm in communion with God...and in a community of a lot of unique and beautiful people. I feel congruent. I feel deeply happy. And thanks to this election, motivated to lean harder into what I believe.
Namaste, weirdos.
that's not what this is about though.
I don't even know what it's about anymore. It used to be clear cut. It used to make sense. When I chose to become a Christian in 1993, I thought, YES! This is it! This is what I'm looking for!! Love others! Heal the broken! Feed the hungry! Resent the Pharisee! Freedom from law so I can concern myself with LOVE! Life is about how you treat the least of these! Life is about love! The fruits of the spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, faithfulness and Self Control! Hallelujah!
I loved what I heard. I loved how being a part of a loving community made me feel. I loved feeling like God loved me, as I was.
But somewhere, I don't know where...shit got real ugly. It got ugly inside the church. I felt less and less love...and more and more of a subversive coercion to conform to a very narrow picture of what a good Christian woman is. If its not in these 30 verses of proverbs its inappropriate. The way I wanted to be was wrong, and frowned upon, whispered about. When I followed my heart I was started to be condemned left and right. People would cut their eyes at me and scowl. People would be condescending and critical. Not just a few people...most of them. It was not for freedom that Christ had set us free...It was so we could create a whole new standard of cultural norms and claim they were the path to holiness.
Over the last year, it got way uglier. People I used to respect...people I was in FCA and youth group with..People I sang on worship teams with...People I went on mission trips with and prayed with at church camp... They got really mean. They got really angry. They started celebrating suffering. They lost their self control and their gentleness and exchanged it for harshness and more and more judgment. They were siding with the KKK and making excuses for really coarse jokes, and very very inappropriate pussy grabbing behaviors. No one is perfect! They said. This made me bitter of course, because I was made to feel like I was supposed to try and be. And this guy, because he was going to protect babies rights didn't have to be. He was ok as he was. Everything I loved about the modern evangelical church seemed dead. I couldn't get a pulse. Love had left.
Maybe it was long dead before I got here. Maybe it was on its way out. Maybe it died in the 80s when they started making Christian pop music.
Now its been reduced to a political lean. A lean away from most of the least of these. Sure, unborn babies are being fought for...from a platform for most. Some are in the trenches helping girls see options and adopting kids from the system...but mostly abortion is a battle for the supreme court, right?
I'm being harsh, right? I'm hurting some of your feelings, huh? I know. I know there are still people a part of the evangelical movement that I love and respect, who do work hard for others. Who don't just make Jesus into a platform from which to see the world. They care about people. But this is a new world. A world in which we hate political correctness. We say what the hell we want and them soft-hearted liberal bleeding hearts can cry all they want.
Does no one see the irony that liberals are considered to be too soft-hearted and conservatives are where the Christians live?
Am I the only one confounded by this?
Other things I am now confounded by...
Why does your religion have to be all over everything in the government? Is your faith less if God isn't on the money? Will the United states crumble if we don't collectively trust in God? Is God concerned with the greatness of America? Did we not leave England to pursue freedom from a religious government? Am I not a Christian if I think sick moms should be allowed to terminate pregnancies? Am I not a Christian if I think it doesn't impact your marriage in the slightest for two women to get married? Am I not a Christian if I think telling a kid its ok to be gay is better than that kid killing themselves? Why is it ok for black kids to have to fend for themselves even though they have started way further behind than white kids? If God is in control and keeps you under his wings, then why do you need semi-automatic rifles to protect you? How is it not storing up treasures on earth where rust and moth destroy to have a fully funded 401k? If God is loving then why isn't Christ enough to redeem people from sin? Why must they also conform to Christian social norms?
I don't care about Donald Trump. He cannot knock me off the path of my own destiny. He's a small man with a big personality disorder. And I live on a farm. I can sustain myself if I really wanted to.
If I'm honest, I've always wondered these things. Maybe you have too. I brushed aside my concern because in the exchange I got a big dose of community. But the community is not inclusive. My friends stand on the outside. And I stand with them.
Call me what you want. Backslider, Heathen, wordly, lost. But two autumns ago, I sat on the ground outside, I looked up at the sky, past the stars and I told God I was tired. I was tired of things not adding up. I was tired of feeling like he was far away, and on the other side of a chasm I had to cross with my own obedience. I was tired of retiring my common sense and deep love for the uniqueness of others in favor of exclusive community. I was done with religion. I wanted to meet him. I invited him to show himself to me in whatever form that took. Maybe I'm crazy and going to hell for thinking so, but I believe he showed up. He showed up in colors and rocks and rainbows and the broken hearts of transgendered people. Sure Jiggs...Sure that was God. In a tranny. Right. How do I know that it was him?
Why by his fruits, of course. The further I went down the path I am on, the deeper and wider grew my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Against such things there is no law.
I might no longer be in a formal fellowship with the evangelical church. But I'm in communion with God...and in a community of a lot of unique and beautiful people. I feel congruent. I feel deeply happy. And thanks to this election, motivated to lean harder into what I believe.
Namaste, weirdos.
Comments
I believe we decide whether or not to manifest God in every choice we make. Sometimes we choose to be love, but sometimes - especially when motivated by fear or vulnerableness - we choose to do harm.
"Love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no wrong to its neighbor." - Romans 13:9 - 10
One problem with individual religions, and this superhero God construct, as I see it - is it reduces personal responsibility and allows you to dehumanize the other "side." People believe their religion is the only right one and they are "saved" and therefore anything they do is okay because God is on their "side." I see this in politics just as much lately though. Especially on the left (my home, to be clear) where people have become quick to declare themselves on the right "side" of social justice and therefore anything hateful they do or say about the other "side" is okay because they are working towards the greater good. I think both things are dangerous. Anybody who stops checking themselves, who stops questioning each choice they make - is this in the service of love or not - they can too easily become the very thing they hate. I know, because I have done so. If people stop and think long enough, I think most can think of a time they have done so.
Not sure if that makes sense, but I have been ruminating on it for a few days and am just trying to put it into words.
Anyway, I think you may really enjoy (or at least get something out of) some sermons by Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith, or Reverend Deborah L. Johnson. Reverend Beckwith livestreams all of his sermons: http://agapelive.com/about-agape/#.WCNnauErJPM
And I believe Reverend Johnson does as well: http://www.innerlightministries.com/about-us/rev-deborah-johnson/
They are both Omnifaith, which is how I would describe myself I guess, or Spiritual - rather than any one religion. They draw from the Bible and a variety of other religious texts, as well as some mindfulness type of teachings.
Sending you love and prayers today. <3
I have lately been thinking about that saying, "everything happens for a reason." I think one positive side of going through a trauma, or going through a major loss in your life, or hitting a rock bottom, or having a break down, or any other kind of horrible thing - might be that it affords you the chance to take inventory and re-address the big questions: Who am I? What do I believe? What is the point of life? How do I want to live?
I have been thinking about this on the personal level, and how sometimes I have to walk through the bad thing in order to actually understand how to do the good thing. From this perspective, I can actually see some of the worst things I've been through as blessings. Today I am thinking about this on the macro level as well. Maybe this election, and this polarized divisiveness, is the bad thing we have to walk through, to get to the good place.
I love you and miss you too. I always enjoy reading your writing; you give me a lot to think about. I also credit you with giving me a huge piece of my own puzzle to figuring things out. Thanks so much Jenn! I may be back in a few weeks, actually...I'll keep ya updated! <3 Keri