The courage to be imperfect
I love TEDtalks. really...go here. watch some. They make me happy..They change my perspective a lot.
I've had a lot of busy work to do lately and have been running them constantly in my head while I do that busy work.
I heard one about vulnerability the other day.
A researcher was doing a study on Human connection, relationships, love, belonging. She found one thing that unraveled all relationships: Shame. The fear that we hold that we are inadequate, or unworthy, or that if anyone knew this or that, we'd be isolated and despair. The trouble is of course, being authentic risks people isolating us, but shame guarantees it.
So here's the formula: We all want to be known and accepted. (have love) We dont for fear of being rejected because of who we are or things we've done. (shame) The only way we can be truly connected to one another in deep, meaningful and fulfilling relationships is by being our most authentic selves. (vulnerability)
So the formula is: Need Love, be vulnerable, have love.
What often happens: Need Love, feel shame, be lonely.
Truth is, vulnerability is the birthplace of all joy, love, creativity and pure happiness. But we are so afraid of vulnerability, that we do so many things to avoid it. We numb it with things like drugs, food, sex, and material things. The trouble is, you can't numb selective emotions. You can't say, "I'm going to numb my pain" without also numbing joy, gratitude, happiness...And so, in order to avoid being vulnerable we choose to live pale or grey lives without the beautiful things that life offers.
If you are in debt, or an addict, or alone, or overweight, it is likely because of the existance of Shame. Shame in who you are, or how you operate, or what you have done...shame in you. The pain we have is designed to be relieved in others, and our coping mechanisms to avoid doing so often produce more shame.
The cure, the researcher discovered, is to drop those things that numb and allow ourselves to be seen, regardless of how much that would be accepted by the world. Then we need love with our whole hearts, immediately, completely, and without expecting in return. Crap, thats hard. But imagine loving because its love, not for reward or as insurance, or as an investment in something you may need in return. Just love because you have the capacity to, and loving is far more envigorating than hate or mistrust. Finally, believe you are enough. Understand that perfection is impossible and as you are today as you will be tomorrow is enough. Whether it is because you believe you were created as you are, or because you believe, as I do, that there is one who has redeemed you, you are enough and you are worth it.
It is only the courage to be imperfect and to be it openly that will end in deep, meaningful, passionate relationship both with others, and with ourselves.
I've had a lot of busy work to do lately and have been running them constantly in my head while I do that busy work.
I heard one about vulnerability the other day.
A researcher was doing a study on Human connection, relationships, love, belonging. She found one thing that unraveled all relationships: Shame. The fear that we hold that we are inadequate, or unworthy, or that if anyone knew this or that, we'd be isolated and despair. The trouble is of course, being authentic risks people isolating us, but shame guarantees it.
So here's the formula: We all want to be known and accepted. (have love) We dont for fear of being rejected because of who we are or things we've done. (shame) The only way we can be truly connected to one another in deep, meaningful and fulfilling relationships is by being our most authentic selves. (vulnerability)
So the formula is: Need Love, be vulnerable, have love.
What often happens: Need Love, feel shame, be lonely.
Truth is, vulnerability is the birthplace of all joy, love, creativity and pure happiness. But we are so afraid of vulnerability, that we do so many things to avoid it. We numb it with things like drugs, food, sex, and material things. The trouble is, you can't numb selective emotions. You can't say, "I'm going to numb my pain" without also numbing joy, gratitude, happiness...And so, in order to avoid being vulnerable we choose to live pale or grey lives without the beautiful things that life offers.
If you are in debt, or an addict, or alone, or overweight, it is likely because of the existance of Shame. Shame in who you are, or how you operate, or what you have done...shame in you. The pain we have is designed to be relieved in others, and our coping mechanisms to avoid doing so often produce more shame.
The cure, the researcher discovered, is to drop those things that numb and allow ourselves to be seen, regardless of how much that would be accepted by the world. Then we need love with our whole hearts, immediately, completely, and without expecting in return. Crap, thats hard. But imagine loving because its love, not for reward or as insurance, or as an investment in something you may need in return. Just love because you have the capacity to, and loving is far more envigorating than hate or mistrust. Finally, believe you are enough. Understand that perfection is impossible and as you are today as you will be tomorrow is enough. Whether it is because you believe you were created as you are, or because you believe, as I do, that there is one who has redeemed you, you are enough and you are worth it.
It is only the courage to be imperfect and to be it openly that will end in deep, meaningful, passionate relationship both with others, and with ourselves.
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