In response to all things Huffy

So two posts ago was my reaction to only having read half of the book I had been reading. Then I have the fits of depressive explosiveness to my sorry life and decide to blog your face off about it. Thanks for the responses though...that's always nice.

So this morning, tempted to not go to work and to just take off and drive away never to return again, I pray my little prayer. to which God provides this little excerpt:

""just because you want life to be about something doesn't mean that is what it is. What if life is about something else, and it doesnt matter what we think?"
"I know what life is about. But what if I dont like it?" I say.
" tough, I guess. It is what it is."
"what if that sucks," I ask.
"What if it does," he says, " I guess there isnt anything you and I can do about it. Its like you were saying, you know, about having to take a crap and being born with somebody else's DNA and all, life is just what it is, and it isnt like we are all given a lot of freedom."
"Gravity and all that crap," I say.
"gravity and all that crap," Paul Confirms. "not a lot of options."
"And that sucks." I say, putting my hand out the window to cup the wind.
"What if it doesn't suck?" Paul says.
"What do you mean?"
"What if, you know, if we just give in to it and say this is what it is, then its gets good, and it's fighting it that makes it so bad.""

I stopped reading at that point and laughed to myself. My life doesn't suck. And as much as some days make me feel dead, I'm not. I'm just in a stage that isn't filled with parties and deep positive impact. I'm in a stage of being pensive more than usual and being more timid around others than ever. but i'm not dead...here let me check my pulse again...yup...still beating.

So what if I have debt, and crap, and a car payment, and work at a job that oftentimes is less than meaningful...i can see the sunrise...and I can see the stars burn in the sky...they DO have stars in Charlotte...I think...I've never really looked. Plus, if I'm smart...and, I dunno...live on LESS than what I make..not just drain the bank every couple of weeks, maybe I can take the time to leave this apartment and do the roving/wandering things I feel like I need to do to feel alive...maybe I can have coffee with friends and talk about the things that burn their hearts and feel like maybe life doesn't have to be nomadic, to make sense. I could live on as little as I wanted to. And if my job doesnt fit who I am...if I need to break free from it...well...I can. Nothing is stopping me.

I think I will move into a smaller apartment that doesnt have high ceilings and a fireplace...who needs that crap? Maybe not now though..its a little hot to move.


Of course, while writing this, the UPS guy knocked on my door and said he had a Bike for me...a bike? I've always wanted a new bike!!! crap..."who's it for," I ask..."Don?" Crap...

"Yeah, that's not me," I sigh..
"have they tried to give this bike to you before?" he asks?

"no, SIGH, But if Don never claims it, feel free to come back by, I could use a bike..."

he wont

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