Snooze Button
I had this idea for a movie. If youre a screenwriter and you make this movie and I see it in a theatre someday I'm going to fly to where you are and beat you up. if you've read my blog at all up until now, i've dealt with this subject very recently.
I dont know the story exactly, but as my days roll into weeks and the weeks turn to years I find myself really wishing that it werent just a cool idea, but something that could really happen...
Anyway...the central idea is that life, for the main character, would be moving along at it's boring irrelevant pace and one day, they hear an alarm ringing...they think..thats a weird sound. It sounds like their alarm clock from childhood...but instead of it stopping...they are groggily awakened to find that the sound they hear ringing is actually their alarm clock buzzing...but not waking them up from a regular dream...really more or less waking them up from what they had thought was their life up to that point. Waking them from the haziness that they had thought their life had bled into.
They wake up in another time...a time before they had made any real mistakes. A time when they had not failed themselves. A time when those around them weren't forced to overlook such glaring mistakes. They woke up when they still had the chance to be who they felt they had been created to be.
The notion of a movie like this is, of course, pretty far fetched. But it draws me to wonder how far back in the chronicles of my life would I go. Am I really one of those people who have no regrets? Is this place I am in truly the place in which I am most destined to be?
Where would I really start everything over again? Would it be back in the times when i felt most carefree? Would it be at 5 or 6 when I was just starting Brownies? or would it be more recent? Would it be in highschool where I started to uncover who I wanted to be and started failing to reach for those things?
Would it be in college? Those were the times when i felt most like myself. Also the times when people enjoyed being around me the most...because i was fun, and sometimes I was smart...
Would I start it over when i went to croatia...would I change the entire way I functioned there and all the things that overcame me?
Would I choose to relive all of those events just as I had lived them the first time?
Would I be any better the second time around?
As the movie unfolded in my head...the character chose childhood, thinking that all the lessons they had learned in this dream would really help them be so much better. As the story unfolded though..they found themselves being unnaturally compelled to go the same route. They found themselves frustratedly making the same horrible choices and choosing the same destructive, terrible path. Their destiny had been to be the miserable person they were when they had chosen to start over.
The moral of the story was of course going to be that the past is passed. And that the only true power one has is over their future. Not even really over their future, but more their actions and reactions to their present circumstances. That misery isn't their destiny, but rather their choice...
I stopped writing that movie because i still dont know where I fall with the issue. I watch myself beset patterns much like those of my early 20s, and those of my teens and even before. I remember as an 8 year old I would look out my window and see Robert Anderson playing in his yard...and I would just HAPPEN to wander out...not "realizing" he was there....Oh Hi Robert! Lets play catch the bugs in the watering can....
I exercise the same passive aggression even today...so Is it truly avoidable? Are these horrible failures of mine even under my control? Or am I hopelessly bent to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again?
I know what i'd like to believe.
I'd like to believe that one day I will just snap out of it..and make good decisions..and have proper instincts to follow...
but what I seem to find is...
I dont really grow...
i dont really evolve.
I dont really learn anything.
In fact...what I do...Is go through the lesson that God has me learning...NOT listen..and have to wait for him to come around AGAIN only this time getting myself deep into a lesson that is FAR more gut wrenching and horrible than the last.
At the end of every lesson...I beat my chest and wonder...."Will I ever learn?"
Another side of me...the more carnal fleshly side looks up at God and says..'HEY! Did you not HEAR the part of the prayer that said LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION but DELIVER me from EVIL?" I mean, how many times do i have to screw this one up before you close the book and realize that its just TOO big of a lesson for me to grasp!!? Can't we study something a little more obtainable for me like, Don't Kill People? or Don't commit armed robbery?!? I mean, if this were highschool that would take me out of calculus and put me in put-togethers and take aways.
why do i feel like sometimes, God doesn't seem to have any intuition into my abilities?
I dont know the story exactly, but as my days roll into weeks and the weeks turn to years I find myself really wishing that it werent just a cool idea, but something that could really happen...
Anyway...the central idea is that life, for the main character, would be moving along at it's boring irrelevant pace and one day, they hear an alarm ringing...they think..thats a weird sound. It sounds like their alarm clock from childhood...but instead of it stopping...they are groggily awakened to find that the sound they hear ringing is actually their alarm clock buzzing...but not waking them up from a regular dream...really more or less waking them up from what they had thought was their life up to that point. Waking them from the haziness that they had thought their life had bled into.
They wake up in another time...a time before they had made any real mistakes. A time when they had not failed themselves. A time when those around them weren't forced to overlook such glaring mistakes. They woke up when they still had the chance to be who they felt they had been created to be.
The notion of a movie like this is, of course, pretty far fetched. But it draws me to wonder how far back in the chronicles of my life would I go. Am I really one of those people who have no regrets? Is this place I am in truly the place in which I am most destined to be?
Where would I really start everything over again? Would it be back in the times when i felt most carefree? Would it be at 5 or 6 when I was just starting Brownies? or would it be more recent? Would it be in highschool where I started to uncover who I wanted to be and started failing to reach for those things?
Would it be in college? Those were the times when i felt most like myself. Also the times when people enjoyed being around me the most...because i was fun, and sometimes I was smart...
Would I start it over when i went to croatia...would I change the entire way I functioned there and all the things that overcame me?
Would I choose to relive all of those events just as I had lived them the first time?
Would I be any better the second time around?
As the movie unfolded in my head...the character chose childhood, thinking that all the lessons they had learned in this dream would really help them be so much better. As the story unfolded though..they found themselves being unnaturally compelled to go the same route. They found themselves frustratedly making the same horrible choices and choosing the same destructive, terrible path. Their destiny had been to be the miserable person they were when they had chosen to start over.
The moral of the story was of course going to be that the past is passed. And that the only true power one has is over their future. Not even really over their future, but more their actions and reactions to their present circumstances. That misery isn't their destiny, but rather their choice...
I stopped writing that movie because i still dont know where I fall with the issue. I watch myself beset patterns much like those of my early 20s, and those of my teens and even before. I remember as an 8 year old I would look out my window and see Robert Anderson playing in his yard...and I would just HAPPEN to wander out...not "realizing" he was there....Oh Hi Robert! Lets play catch the bugs in the watering can....
I exercise the same passive aggression even today...so Is it truly avoidable? Are these horrible failures of mine even under my control? Or am I hopelessly bent to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again?
I know what i'd like to believe.
I'd like to believe that one day I will just snap out of it..and make good decisions..and have proper instincts to follow...
but what I seem to find is...
I dont really grow...
i dont really evolve.
I dont really learn anything.
In fact...what I do...Is go through the lesson that God has me learning...NOT listen..and have to wait for him to come around AGAIN only this time getting myself deep into a lesson that is FAR more gut wrenching and horrible than the last.
At the end of every lesson...I beat my chest and wonder...."Will I ever learn?"
Another side of me...the more carnal fleshly side looks up at God and says..'HEY! Did you not HEAR the part of the prayer that said LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION but DELIVER me from EVIL?" I mean, how many times do i have to screw this one up before you close the book and realize that its just TOO big of a lesson for me to grasp!!? Can't we study something a little more obtainable for me like, Don't Kill People? or Don't commit armed robbery?!? I mean, if this were highschool that would take me out of calculus and put me in put-togethers and take aways.
why do i feel like sometimes, God doesn't seem to have any intuition into my abilities?
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