Time to Kill

Its 412 Nashville time. We're going to head out for dinner at 515, so I have some time to kill. Thinking the phrase made me realize that I do this a lot. I wait. I feel a little like I'm doing that now...waiting. Not just waiting in a hotel room for dinner time, but waiting for something else. What I'm waiting for I'm really not sure. Could it be a sign, or a moment, maybe inspiration or opportunity. Bottom line is, where I am does not feel like where I am supposed to be. It doesn't feel like its my measure of destiny. It doesn't feel like my life. I'm not totally sure how better to explain it, or how to illustrate it clearly enough that it will make sense to everyone reading. The best I can say is, my life feels like a shirt that doesn't fit right. Sure it's serving a purpose, I can go out in it and not get arrested for indecent exposure, and maybe it's even a good style and helps me fit in, but it's not at all the right cut for me, nor is it my style.

Sometimes I live in my own analogies. I think I started using analogies when I took Homiletics in college. The Prof said that God is so complicated that sometimes we have to use very broad analogies to communicate His truths. He also warned that we needed to use analogies carefully as they are all imperfect and people can sometimes use them to presume NON truths too.
Analogies are fun, and sometimes they really are the best way to describe things. But, like - was saying, sometimes I live in the analogy. Instead of saying what I really think or feel, I use some analogy...I never express in real emotional words exactly what I think or feel.

So feel this: I'm not happy doing things the way I do them. I don't work for the joy of doing so, I work because it makes money and I have debt. I get pissed off at two kinds of people, people who are living their dream lives, and people who say that what I'm currently doing is what it's all about. Good job, good pay, good benefits.
I'm insanely jealous of anyone who has money, love connections, or gets paid to work with their passion.
And yet...
Here's the most difficult part for me to connect to...
Everyday that I live, I write a check to deposit more of my time into the very things I despise nost about my current situation.


All that being said...
I've apparently found very effective weapons for killing time.

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