Let's stream together
Some people like it when I do this, so I'm just going to. If you're not one of those people who like to read just thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, then you really ought to skip this entry.
I didnt want to write to anyone in particular. Maybe more to myself. But my hands are aching to type a lot and I'm in the office basically babysitting. I don't mean that offensively..There is just very little that I can do today. I did a lot yesterday and so today I'm really just hear to answer questions and change addresses for people. Which is rare.
So instead of completely ignoring my own well being and finding more work to do, I'm just going to talk with you all day long. :) How's that sound?
I went to a singer/songwriter club last week. Its the first time I've engaged the musical side of me in a long time. Anytime I say 'musical side' I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a musician friend of mine when he said, "we all have different sides to our diamond, different parts of us that make up who we are, but music isn't just a side of you, its the whole diamond'
I still think thats funny. Because there is a lot more to do me than just that. I think.
I woke up this morning to VH1. Which I never do...because Vh1 makes me mad. So does MTv. the music is so stupid and achingly, desperately hollow. I listened to a song by someone I've never heard this morning about how a party was so great and she was so wasted she couldnt remember where she was so she was just going to dance. Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I want to believe that its a deeper metaphor for something else. Something sad and desperate and really it wasnt that she was so wasted from life and all its hardships that she was just going to choose to be happy. but i doubt that was where she was going.
I'm pretty stupid too though.
Anyway. I woke up to vh1. I heard that Sara Bareilles is making a single out of one of my favorites songs back from 2003. Gravity. I'm kind of glad she is, because I love that song and will love the fact that I can be driving down the road and hear it play on the radio.
Another side of me is ticked off...mostly because that song rips my guts out and smears them on the floor. But that's just life, right?
I'm listening to Jack Johnson right now...Better Together. Its such a sweet song and reminds me that I dont have many sweet songs. Does that mean than I'm not happy or sweet? I was telling some coworkers the other day that when I sit down to write a song i instantly go to bad feelings instead of good ones. Because I think subconsciously I think that depth equals sad.
I mean, I'm pretty bummed out in general lately with moving and being away from everyone I care about friends and family alike. And having spent the better part of my last year just working. and working. and working. and seeing no real gain or reward for it.
ouch..lets lean AWAY from the bitter bus.
it does remind me that I've been told and told and told that you should never invest your entire self in work. Because that is not where the reward is. Thats where the money is, and I do like me some money. But you should only give of yourself what the money merits. Let's say you make 30k. Your only obligation is to give them 30k worth of yourself. Some people give 50k of themselves in hopes that they'll someday make that 50k. That's what I've been doing here lately. Trying to give so much of myself, that people think "she's worth way more than we pay her." But thats backassward.
Ok, actually I dont know what backassward would really be. Maybe thats what you are supposed to do. Maybe not.
I was having a discussion about this the other night and made the observation that america just does not believe in apprenticeships anymore. We just grow up thinking we know everything and we force each other to figure it out. Why is that?! I believe they call that re-inventing the wheel. Forcing each other to learn things on our own is rediculous.
And yet there are no apprentices anymore. There are no real mentors in this world.
And I think that's what I've been waiting for. Mentors.
And that's what I've been blaming everything on. Mentors.
or the lack thereof.
I'm also incredibly arrogant. I also think I don't need one. Because I think I know it all.
That's where I end up with the idea that I know just enough to be dangerous.
I know just enough about politics to get myself entwined in a lot of trouble. I know just enough about music to not take advice and yet not get anywhere. I know just enough about my job to boss people around, but I couldnt do it to save my life.
well, maybe I could to save my life. lol.
What random circumstances would afoot to make that scenario come to life? PUT IN THIS PHONE ORDER OR I'LL KILL YOU!!
That actually could happen. The customers I talk to are so pissed that they sound like they're going to kill me.
Thats another rant.
Every January I really hear what my christian brothers and sisters are made of. Every January youth pastors and pastors put out fliers about Superbowl parties!! And some of them put out those fliers before they actually have cable. So begins the problem.
But deeper than that...the comments, and aggression we hear from those individuals every year is absolutely sickening. not as a cable tv employee, i get it all the time, but as a Christian. I can't believe that people who represent My God and My faith would treat other people with such disrespect.
On an entirely different note, I heard the installation at my old church in columbia was a bit of a complicated disaster. But that my elder was patient, calm, respectful and understanding throughout the process. That made me proud. That reminded me that my church family, though completely human, understands grace in very dynamic and integrated ways.
Anyway.
Instead of griping about the lack of mentors I'm going to just resolve to be myself as well as I can be.
I wish I could do so without worrying if I'm being the coolest self i can be.
I write really bad songs. But no one ever hears them. I write stupid songs about elephants and kings but I never play those. I just play the ones I think are "Cool" or good.
Maybe I should play the bad ones and the stupid ones, and the rediculous.
I am all those things too.
Some people might even argue that being those things is what makes me great.
Maybe I should sing about all the times I've gone a week without taking a shower, or how sometimes I'll ride the train uptown just to walk around for a minute.
Maybe I should sing about how I get myself in trouble. About all the things that I regret doing...How I have done so many things that I didnt mean at all. All the times I've put my foot in my mouth.
Its funny, if someone else looked at my life in great detail and saw everything I've ever done, they might regret different things differently. They might regret more what I've done, or who I've been at differet points in time. I dont reret much of what I've done. I regret more of what I've failed to do. But I can't really talk about all that so deeply...
Because I wonder where my drive is? Drive seems to be a gift that some people are born with. A gift I really covet. Sometimes I get pissed off thinking that I'm the person people will need to see so that their drive is turned on. The thing that causes people to drive away. The Drive Thru, as it were. I've had people desperately try to start my engine. They've tried to find the right key to get me to get up and go...but they've not found it...and neither have I. Maybe its because my destiny is to be the one who shows people what happens if they dont act.
Wow...
thats depressing. probably not true at all.
I've been gone for about 5 minutes listening to another person's rendition of my ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME...Hallelujah. The song Rufus Wainwright sang in Shrek. Man...I love that song. I dont know what it is. GEESH...
When I hear songs like that. I get really frustrated because I just want ONE song like that...one song that just comes together and comes out magically and makes all the perfect wonderful no sense at all, but grabs a hold of people's hearts and leads them on a journey into places they can't go alone.
But I think in order to do that I have to go there first. And, lol...I dont want to....Because I'd have to go alone. hehe.
I wonder if that's how actors think.
I wonder if an actor is ever afraid of a part because of what will happen to them when they enter the darkness of a particular situation. Like...Was Charlize Theron afraid to be in Monster? That movie was dark and deep and scary on a lot of levels. Was Angelina Jolie afraid to be the Girl Interrupted? That was pretty dark.
Not that I think I have a monster or a schizophrenic person deep down inside of me...but its the same as digging around in a bowl of chinese food you've left on the counter for a week. It's not going to kill you, or change your life, but You left it there, and its gross as hell...so you get spoons and paper towels so you dont have to make physical contact with it and consider just throwing the bowl out altogether instead of having to deal with the mess....The human heart and soul trickles down into depths that few people ever travel into, the places where we throw our rotten chinese food...but also where compression and pressure turns that chinese food into a diamond.
Please dont write me and tell me that diamonds dont come from compressed rotten chinese food. I know.
I didnt want to write to anyone in particular. Maybe more to myself. But my hands are aching to type a lot and I'm in the office basically babysitting. I don't mean that offensively..There is just very little that I can do today. I did a lot yesterday and so today I'm really just hear to answer questions and change addresses for people. Which is rare.
So instead of completely ignoring my own well being and finding more work to do, I'm just going to talk with you all day long. :) How's that sound?
I went to a singer/songwriter club last week. Its the first time I've engaged the musical side of me in a long time. Anytime I say 'musical side' I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a musician friend of mine when he said, "we all have different sides to our diamond, different parts of us that make up who we are, but music isn't just a side of you, its the whole diamond'
I still think thats funny. Because there is a lot more to do me than just that. I think.
I woke up this morning to VH1. Which I never do...because Vh1 makes me mad. So does MTv. the music is so stupid and achingly, desperately hollow. I listened to a song by someone I've never heard this morning about how a party was so great and she was so wasted she couldnt remember where she was so she was just going to dance. Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I want to believe that its a deeper metaphor for something else. Something sad and desperate and really it wasnt that she was so wasted from life and all its hardships that she was just going to choose to be happy. but i doubt that was where she was going.
I'm pretty stupid too though.
Anyway. I woke up to vh1. I heard that Sara Bareilles is making a single out of one of my favorites songs back from 2003. Gravity. I'm kind of glad she is, because I love that song and will love the fact that I can be driving down the road and hear it play on the radio.
Another side of me is ticked off...mostly because that song rips my guts out and smears them on the floor. But that's just life, right?
I'm listening to Jack Johnson right now...Better Together. Its such a sweet song and reminds me that I dont have many sweet songs. Does that mean than I'm not happy or sweet? I was telling some coworkers the other day that when I sit down to write a song i instantly go to bad feelings instead of good ones. Because I think subconsciously I think that depth equals sad.
I mean, I'm pretty bummed out in general lately with moving and being away from everyone I care about friends and family alike. And having spent the better part of my last year just working. and working. and working. and seeing no real gain or reward for it.
ouch..lets lean AWAY from the bitter bus.
it does remind me that I've been told and told and told that you should never invest your entire self in work. Because that is not where the reward is. Thats where the money is, and I do like me some money. But you should only give of yourself what the money merits. Let's say you make 30k. Your only obligation is to give them 30k worth of yourself. Some people give 50k of themselves in hopes that they'll someday make that 50k. That's what I've been doing here lately. Trying to give so much of myself, that people think "she's worth way more than we pay her." But thats backassward.
Ok, actually I dont know what backassward would really be. Maybe thats what you are supposed to do. Maybe not.
I was having a discussion about this the other night and made the observation that america just does not believe in apprenticeships anymore. We just grow up thinking we know everything and we force each other to figure it out. Why is that?! I believe they call that re-inventing the wheel. Forcing each other to learn things on our own is rediculous.
And yet there are no apprentices anymore. There are no real mentors in this world.
And I think that's what I've been waiting for. Mentors.
And that's what I've been blaming everything on. Mentors.
or the lack thereof.
I'm also incredibly arrogant. I also think I don't need one. Because I think I know it all.
That's where I end up with the idea that I know just enough to be dangerous.
I know just enough about politics to get myself entwined in a lot of trouble. I know just enough about music to not take advice and yet not get anywhere. I know just enough about my job to boss people around, but I couldnt do it to save my life.
well, maybe I could to save my life. lol.
What random circumstances would afoot to make that scenario come to life? PUT IN THIS PHONE ORDER OR I'LL KILL YOU!!
That actually could happen. The customers I talk to are so pissed that they sound like they're going to kill me.
Thats another rant.
Every January I really hear what my christian brothers and sisters are made of. Every January youth pastors and pastors put out fliers about Superbowl parties!! And some of them put out those fliers before they actually have cable. So begins the problem.
But deeper than that...the comments, and aggression we hear from those individuals every year is absolutely sickening. not as a cable tv employee, i get it all the time, but as a Christian. I can't believe that people who represent My God and My faith would treat other people with such disrespect.
On an entirely different note, I heard the installation at my old church in columbia was a bit of a complicated disaster. But that my elder was patient, calm, respectful and understanding throughout the process. That made me proud. That reminded me that my church family, though completely human, understands grace in very dynamic and integrated ways.
Anyway.
Instead of griping about the lack of mentors I'm going to just resolve to be myself as well as I can be.
I wish I could do so without worrying if I'm being the coolest self i can be.
I write really bad songs. But no one ever hears them. I write stupid songs about elephants and kings but I never play those. I just play the ones I think are "Cool" or good.
Maybe I should play the bad ones and the stupid ones, and the rediculous.
I am all those things too.
Some people might even argue that being those things is what makes me great.
Maybe I should sing about all the times I've gone a week without taking a shower, or how sometimes I'll ride the train uptown just to walk around for a minute.
Maybe I should sing about how I get myself in trouble. About all the things that I regret doing...How I have done so many things that I didnt mean at all. All the times I've put my foot in my mouth.
Its funny, if someone else looked at my life in great detail and saw everything I've ever done, they might regret different things differently. They might regret more what I've done, or who I've been at differet points in time. I dont reret much of what I've done. I regret more of what I've failed to do. But I can't really talk about all that so deeply...
Because I wonder where my drive is? Drive seems to be a gift that some people are born with. A gift I really covet. Sometimes I get pissed off thinking that I'm the person people will need to see so that their drive is turned on. The thing that causes people to drive away. The Drive Thru, as it were. I've had people desperately try to start my engine. They've tried to find the right key to get me to get up and go...but they've not found it...and neither have I. Maybe its because my destiny is to be the one who shows people what happens if they dont act.
Wow...
thats depressing. probably not true at all.
I've been gone for about 5 minutes listening to another person's rendition of my ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME...Hallelujah. The song Rufus Wainwright sang in Shrek. Man...I love that song. I dont know what it is. GEESH...
When I hear songs like that. I get really frustrated because I just want ONE song like that...one song that just comes together and comes out magically and makes all the perfect wonderful no sense at all, but grabs a hold of people's hearts and leads them on a journey into places they can't go alone.
But I think in order to do that I have to go there first. And, lol...I dont want to....Because I'd have to go alone. hehe.
I wonder if that's how actors think.
I wonder if an actor is ever afraid of a part because of what will happen to them when they enter the darkness of a particular situation. Like...Was Charlize Theron afraid to be in Monster? That movie was dark and deep and scary on a lot of levels. Was Angelina Jolie afraid to be the Girl Interrupted? That was pretty dark.
Not that I think I have a monster or a schizophrenic person deep down inside of me...but its the same as digging around in a bowl of chinese food you've left on the counter for a week. It's not going to kill you, or change your life, but You left it there, and its gross as hell...so you get spoons and paper towels so you dont have to make physical contact with it and consider just throwing the bowl out altogether instead of having to deal with the mess....The human heart and soul trickles down into depths that few people ever travel into, the places where we throw our rotten chinese food...but also where compression and pressure turns that chinese food into a diamond.
Please dont write me and tell me that diamonds dont come from compressed rotten chinese food. I know.
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