Helloooo Forty...

I dyed my hair yesterday. Not like drastically or purple or even professionally, I dyed it with a $6.76 box of dye from Walmart. I dyed it the color it was before I suddenly got old. There are certain lights in my house where my age was completely unavoidable. Coincidentally they are the lights right by the mirrors in the bathrooms. The rooms wherein I become most critical of myself, of course.

I knew I was going to get a lot of gray hair quickly and far too young. I watched Mom's gray come in when I was very little. My whole life I have always said, "Pssh. I'm just going to let the gray come in because I don't want to get trapped in that cycle of HAVING to dye it all the time. And plus, It just means I'm getting wiser! Gray is cool!!"

I did not let it happen.

Don't get me wrong, I tried. Until now I have been letting it happen, and it was seriously difficult. There is something not ok with watching your head age. I literally could see myself not feeling well. I would see myself as less able. I would see that it was harder to lose weight. I would see my joints hurting when I stand. I would see myself checking my blood pressure at the Sam's club blood pressure kiosk and then wondering where the oatmeal was. I guess you don't realize how ageist you are until you are aging.

I remember turning 30 and thinking that I needed to buy a tan Camry and settle in. I remembered how old I felt at 29 thinking about 30. I made a bunch of resolutions because I needed to make use of the time I had. I felt a sense of urgency like I had not felt before. As I watched my hair change colors in the mirror I literally felt like the window of opportunity was closing on all the things I wanted to do.

What the hell?

You guys seriously, I know, its just hair and there are 10,000 statements about how its whatever and age is just a number and its how young you feel....OMG, I have said them ALL.

But they did not help!!! I have NEVER thought I was trying to beat a clock. I have had the luxury of being the youngest in my family and watching age happen to everyone else. By the time I reached benchmarks they were boring old news. But this I could not get over.

So I bought the damn box.

I am sure that I should have just gone to the hair people and thrown down the 75$ to have it done professionally, but this is serious, I have to do this stuff every couple months now and, honestly, I work for the government. I don't have the allowance for that.

Excuses aside, ya'll, for real, when I dried my hair and that mess was brown again, everything that I was panicked about washed away. With all that brown water down the shower my fear and loathing left me. My body didn't hurt as much, my wrinkles didn't show as much and I felt like I still had time.

Look, I'm 38. I am not too old to do ANYTHING. Except maybe the marines and the Olympics. ( technically I could still do the Olympics but I would have to do something like curling or archery or something....)  I tell you what though, those gray hairs popping up on my head felt like the cold fingers of death running over my skull. I am not ashamed that I rinsed that brown over my scalp. Girrrrl. No.