Farewell Cynicsm

Most of my life I have been a cynic. A judgmental, constantly offended, administrator of reality...REAL reality. When I would drive past mega-churches I would scowl and quote the latest starvation mortality rate. When I would watch TV I would roll my eyes at the commercials that promised happiness. When people I knew got engaged or pregnant or promoted or rewarded I would say, "gag...so lame." No one could genuinely exist around me because I didn't trust anyone was truly genuine. You have likely been on the receiving end of my harshness at some point in our friendship. Even if you have only ever read my blog, you can find dozens of posts of bitterness and cynicism.

I begged for reality, for truth, for liberty, for whatever noble so and so hippie idea I could. But I didn't beg for it because I truly wanted it. I begged for it because I wanted to be superior. I wanted to bring people down, because I was down. I wanted to be unhappy, and justifiably unhappy.

Anyone with any sense could look easily into my own life and see that I was absolutely no different than the people that I ridiculed. In fact, I was and am still likely worse.

So we're breaking up. I'm calling it quits with cynicism, mostly because I have realized something....I don't know anything. Seriously, the list of things on this planet that I don't know grows with every stroke of the second hand. And I'm not learning at that rate. I don't know the heart of the guy who built the big pink church. I don't know the intentions of the guy who drives the lexus. I dont know how the guy on the street got to be homeless. I dont know if God made you gay. I dont know what its like to live in a loveless marriage. I dont know how hard it is to quit drinking. I dont know what its like to lose your parents. I dont know what its like to be molested. I dont know what its like to feel abandoned by God. I dont know what its like to feel suicidal. I dont know what its like to work for minimum wage and support a family. I dont know what its like to be a teenage mom.

This is exhausting, isn't it? What I don't know reaches out into the farthest depths of the universe...Both of us and our great grandchildren would die before I could stop listing off what I don't know.

So I am breaking up with my cynicism. Not because there aren't bad and stupid people out there who need to be made aware of it...but because worrying about who is and who isnt genuine only brings me down. And I have a lot of work to do on me, if I'm busy thinking about you and what you have or haven't gotten right, I won't have energy to make myself better. Many times in my life I have looked at someone else and said, "man, I could do that job way better than they could." But the truth is, I can't be them any better than they are. And I am not called to. I can only be the best me that I can be right now with what I have. Besides all of that...cynicism is a cancer that only eats away at my heart's ability to be happy..it doesnt eat away at injustice, or ignorance, or war. It only exhausts me as I chase around everyone else's delusions.

So farewell cynicism...you were a really crappy companion.

Hold me accountable America. Dont let me call cynicism, dont let me text him. he cannot come over and I can't romanticize our relationship. We were bad together. We both need to move on. :)

Happy new year friends. I hope this is your best one yet.

Comments

Anonymous said…
"...cynicism is a cancer that only eats away at my heart's ability to be happy..it doesnt eat away at injustice, or ignorance, or war."

Truth. Cynicism is an unhappy companion and never a profitable one. (Plus, I don't think it qualifies under Philippians 4:8.)

Way to fight the battle, Jiggs, the one against our own souls.
-Jomona
12:28 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

listless

I'm not sure what is going on in my head, but i'm very uninspired lately. i feel like there is so much more I should be doing, but its like i'm watching life from through a window. like i have no real impact on the story, i just sit and watch it unfold and hope the story starts getting adventurous. I'm chosing to call it uninspired because that still leaves the door open for me to have some kind of impact. Like if i could just muster up some passion for something I would be able to find some great purpose and meaning in what I'm doing. I'm thinking about all the kids going back to school and the college students heading off for a new year, and I'm finding that I'm jealous. My life doesnt cycle like that anymore. There is no rise and fall with the seasons. There is no connection to the calendar. Everyday bleeds by in the same numbing pattern. My clothes barely even change with seasons anymore. everyday finds itself looking exactly like the last: wake up l...
Read more

whats your self worth?

People have said, something is only worth what someone would pay for it. If what you're selling, no one is buying, then what you have is pretty worthless. But there are stores out there that sell all kinds of things and so the market makes room for them. People are the same. Some people are beautiful, but useless for more than their looks. Like a painting they are worth a lot because people see them as rare.But, some people can go their whole lives without decorating. Some people are useful and so are worth a lot because they fulfill some purpose. Hardworking, or smart, they are seen has having some value that makes them worth the investment. Then there are people I'd characterize as novelty people. You buy them because you've just never seen anything like them. They're especially entertaing or unique. They don't cost a lot, so you can't pass them up. Then there are bargain people. They don't cost much, arent worth much and don't last long. They fill a s...
Read more

Musical Unity: A response to Michael Gungor

When I first started listening to Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) the only people around were Amy Grant and Michael W Smith. Maybe Kathy Tricolli and Sandi Patty...Any maybe Carmen, but why mention Carmen? Shortly before I started listening to CCM there was no such thing as CCM. The 80s were just about a barren wasteland for Christian entertainment. We had a handle on good old Gospel and regular people started writing worship music. My life wouldn't be the same without Keith Green. But then came the 90s. WHAT an AMAZING time!! Right? DC talk, Audio Adrenaline, Newsboys, OC Supertones...Holy Music COW! If you were a young Christian, you could turn your radio up proudly and still feel cool. It was EPIC. From 15-21 I didn't listen to much other than CCM. Only the cool CCM of course. The stuff that the local Christian radio station only played on Friday Nights. Then I hit 21 and was, practically overnight, too cool for CCM. I bought a soapbox on top of which I declared ...
Read more