Change

I read a cartoon this morning. Its hilarious.

It also hurt my feelings.

I'm an epiphany person. I get them constantly. If I don't get one frequently enough, I start to feel yucky. I've learned to accept this about myself. And its cool to see the actual changes that happen in people around me as a result of my whims and epiphanies. For example: 10 people got out and ran this week because I had the whim to do a half marathon. A few people stuffed some veggies in a juicer because I had the epiphany that I wanted to juice. Last year 28 people (i counted) joined weight watchers because I decided to.

So why did this cartoon hurt my feelings?

Because that's the fear. That's the deepest darkest soul-suckingest fear in me. That I'm forever doomed to be completely mediocre. I can't count the number of epiphanies and whims I have succumb to in my life that have lasted 2 days to 3 months. Some of them have been epiphanies about epiphanies...

In fact, I feel like I'm having one now!

The question is, if they all fail, why keep having them? Why not accept defeat, call myself names, and settle on being exactly as I am now. For better or for worse...no more resolutions, no more changing, no more effort, no more growth, no more hope for anything better.

I think there are a lot of reasons. For one thing having these kinds of dreams and unattainable goals keep me in touch with heroes and stars...They all had similar dreams. (they just reached theirs) Another thing might be that every great story I hear has a turning point where the story teller says, "And then one day I realized..." Its also because its super fun to imagine your best self and think you might be able to get there someday. To think that you could be everything you ever wanted and with a little effort you could be a hero, a leader, a role model...that's just exciting.

And honestly, people can change. People do change. We are always changing, some of us for the better, and some for the worse. And maybe, through thousands of wake-up calls, revelations, big ideas, wondering, pondering and deciding...I will be forcing a better self to come out. Maybe someday the epiphany won't be about how great the future could be..but about how much better the present is than the past.

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