reason number 1586 that I'm too excited about going to nashville next week

something very fishy has been happening lately when i listen to music. i dont quite know what it is. but its very fishy. instead of harboring it, and letting it simmer in my juices, i'm going to just tell you all about it. there are what, three followers and a dozen or so lurkers? couldnt be too bad for me to just air it all, right?


so in december, around my birthday, i got the advice that i needed to use a rather quiet time in my life to decide who i am and follow after me. i was told that i tend to listen to other people more than i listen to myself and that i needed to decide what i wanted and make that want my central focus. that seemed weird, selfish and completely foreign to me, so i figured i'd go ahead and try and prove to this particular individual why that was a terrible idea.

unsure where to start, i googled, "Self Discovery Questionaire" after it corrected my spelling of questionnaire, it sent me to this list of about 30 questions that help you think about you. it was juvenile, i'm aware, but i did it anyway.

i tried to be as honest as i knew how and answered all the questions. the last question was, "Have you noticed a theme re-occurring in your answers and what do you think God might want to show you based on that answer."

have i shared all of this before? i dont think i have.


well, music was a big answer, and it came up a lot.
so for the first time in a long time i allowed myself to think about what God might intend in having music be such a central theme in my thoughts.

i've struggled with music for a long time. i kind of hate it. i hate that i love it so much, that it makes me as happy as it does, that it takes me away from where i am and puts me in a whole other place. i never never never wanted to say to anyone publicly that i wanted to do music for a living. only 8 year olds want to be rock stars. this can't possibly be the road i'm expected to travel. especially not me who is as timid about myself as a dead mouse.

regardless, i couldnt deny the fact that this was an issue. this desire existed inside of me and I had to acknowledge it for better or worse. if for no other reason than denying it did nothing but push it just below the surface where it would pop up again in no time at all.

so i acknowledged it.

and i simply said, alright Lord, either by way of realizing the dream, or simply pursuing it long enough that it dies, the only way to get passed this issue is to pursue. so i wont turn down any position or gig starting right now.



and that was the end of it.



or perhaps the beginning.

Because since then, its been building, and growing and boiling, i'm writing a lot of music and thinking about it all the time. I'll listen to a new song by someone i'd liked a long time ago and find myself floored at what they were saying. i'll hear a song on pandora and not be able to breathe or think clearly. i'll be stopped in the middle of a meeting about something completely uncreative and overcome with a lyric. i've been completely, persistently, obsessed.

and i've worked myself into a frenzy about visiting nashville next week. and its not about anything unrealistic. its not like i'm just so sure that when i go up there, people will hear the music in me without me even playing it and ask me to stay...or that i think i'll hum a song on broadway and i'll have record deals shoved in my face...

i'm actually way too excited just about being there, and seeing this artist who has so often previously sung my own thoughts and feelings. i'm honestly only excited about hearing her latest stuff and connecting to songs that i already know will be written from nearly the exact place i currently find myself.



and thats all really...nothing deep to this post. i just had to get it out so that i could focus on work again. so thanks.