yeah, i thought so...

I think a LOT. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I get all anxious if I feel like I've not spent enough time in thought. Sometimes I get cranky if people don't give me a minute to think.
Sometimes I'll just sit quietly in a room and let my mind go wherever it wants to. Sometimes, like today, my thoughts chase me around like Elmer Fudd chasing Bugs Bunny.
Do you ever have things you just can't get out of your mind? They turn and return over and over.

I feel like I've been thinking big thoughts lately. Thoughts that are bigger than what I alone could really do. This is the greatest problem with my thinking. I think more than I DO.

Today I thought a lot. I thought outloud, I thought on paper.

I thought about forgiveness. No, not for you, I forgave you long before I was probably supposed to. I do that, you see, because I like to please people. Holding a grudge isn't pleasing.

No, I thought about forgiving me. Not forgetting, so much, as, though it might feel good, it would mean I hadn't grown. Just forgiving myself. Forgiving me for this mistake and that; for this bad decision and that deception; for not saying no when I knew I should, or yes for that matter.
I thought so much about all of this you see, because it is not the world that holds me down, and back, it is me. I'm the reason I don't take chances. I'm the reason I don't risk. I'm the reason I doubt, fear, quit, fail or fail to try. Because, you see, each unforgiven "thing" inside of me is another ounce of fuel against me, another reason to doubt, fear, quit and fail.

But.

Good time for a but, yes?

But, if I begin to practice the art and discipline of forgiveness when it comes to me...the discipline of releasing myself from payment owed...the determined, purposeful, intentional act of setting myself free, then what have I to gain?

Freedom, of course. Freedom from the thoughts that I have that say I have to spend more time feeling bad for this or that, thoughts that say I shouldn't push for my own happiness because of that thing or this, thoughts that say I shouldn't try because I'll certainly only repeat last time...

Freedom to try, try again.

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