Nighttime

I had an interesting revelation tonight. I was sitting down to do some reading and thinking about the distance of the next race. Its a daunting distance. Every long distance race is a daunting distance. I was looking for encouragement in all of the books I keep around the house about racing and training. I couldn't really find anything comforting. Most of what I read was just confirming the fear over and over.

Frustrated, I just put the books down. I don't need people telling me its impossible. I needed someone to tell me it was perfectly within reach. I needed to hear that everything would be fine and I could eek it out in the end and survive the distance in front of me.

In other words, I needed someone to lie to me if necessary.

After putting down the books I just stared for a little bit. Sometimes I call staring taking a nap with my eyes open. It can be just as refreshing as a 20 minute nap if done right and bookended with deep yawns. It can also be where you mind wanders down into the lower parts of your brain and encourages you in ways that outside people can't. In case you couldn't read between the lines there, if you see me staring, leave me alone. DON'T BREAK THE STARE!

Lucky for me, I heard what I needed to hear down there in the stare-well. (oh, thats cute, I'm using that again! the stare-well...lol)

I realized that any fear I have isnt of the race. I'm not afraid of the distance. The distance is just one foot in front of the other for a really long time.

The fear isn't even of failure. I fail constantly. At least once a day...


ok...at least 14 times a day.


The fear isn't of getting hurt. Being hurt is kind of cool...and I'm young enough to get over it. I've been hurt a lot before and I always pull out of that. Plus maybe I could get a wheelchair...SWEET.

The fear isn't even of looking stupid or disappointing others.

The fear is of proving other people's negative thoughts true. Of the last four races I've done, I've trained for one. I've always been the slowest, and the stiffest afterward. The problem isnt in having been there, it's in being predicted there. Who I was in the first four races could not finish what I'm attempting. Who I'm expected to be couldn't make it to the end of this next race. The me of the first four races wanted to sit down and cry at mile 10. Who I was in the first four races would probably die before I finished this next one. Who I was couldnt even do the training for the next one.

I guess being confronted with the double digit training day coming up is bringing into reality the size of the task ahead of me. I guess where we are now is a watershed moment. I guess this is where I really decide.
Its nice actually.

I've not been this scared for a long time. :-)

Good thing I get to sleep in tomorrow.

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